Sorry I’ve been away for so long. I experienced a major two-day (almost three day!) panic/anxiety attack. I have quite the problem with worry and anxiety; I’ve struggled with it all of my life. This time, though, it came from nowhere. I was listening to a podcast from Hay House Radio, which I’ve grown to LOVE, when a show came on that talked about “the end of the world.” I usually don’t pay attention to that kind of stuff cause I don’t like feeling scared, but since I trusted the source I thought I’d go ahead and listen, especially since I thought it would end on a positive note.
That was not the case. I’m gonna leave out the details here so you’re not tempted to Google it. I think it’s best so you don’t go into a state of panic like I did. The gist of it is that the guy that was interviewed predicted some dates and events that were a little too close for comfort and it set me on a crazy panic for almost three days.
This differed from my usual worries in that this fear is beyond my control. Usually, I can address my concerns – I can go to a doctor, or call someone up. Make a relaxing tea. In this case, this is totally outside my control…
I don’t like it.
But some very positive things have come of it.
First, in only three days, I’ve almost cured my impatience with my boys. I’ve been approaching every moment with tenderness and gratitude. Even when they start fighting, which I CAN’T FREAKING STAND, my anger is fleeting. I compose myself almost instantly and remember that indeed, this moment, is not the end of the world. And then I thank God.
I’ve learned to just breathe. In and out. Because right now I am alive. I am alive and surrounded in peace and, barring the boys screaming at each other, in harmony.
My sight is different. I look out the window and see people moving around, and I realize and say to myself, “we are all in this together.” We really are one.
But it’s been tough. I lost motivation, wanted to curl up in bed with my boys – all three of them – and wake up from this terrible dream. I didn’t sleep at all the first night…
Today we went grocery shopping – the four of us, which is rare – and I found myself being so thankful. I can just go to the store and buy food. Grapes, cheese, coconut… things that we take for granted. Because some people are already in the struggle. They’ve been living it their entire lives. We’ve been so fortunate.
So many other things I’ve learned too, so I have to be grateful for this experience. Especially cause one of the primary intentions of this blog is to share stuff like this. Cause this is real talk.
I’m forcing myself to stay motivated, to enjoy life as much as possible every single moment. I pray. I hope. And I’m learning to trust.
And when the scary thoughts start creeping in I put up a big stop sign in my mind. NO. And I visit the lake in my head, turn on one of my favorite tunes, and concentrate on the words:
“Take this journey, don’t be scared, be prepared…”
“when everything I need to survive is inside…”
“God holds my soul…”
“When the world is heavy on my shoulders and I can’t get a grip, I take a break, go to the lake, there I can skinny dip..”
“Mother Earth supports my stress…”
“release, release, release…”
This song and a cup of chamomile tea and YOU – help sustain me .
Also, I feel compelled to end this with a phrase I’ve acquired from Dr. Darren Weissman, a host on one of the shows in the above mentioned radio station:
“INFINITE LOVE AND GRATITUDE.”